With Valentine’s day coming, some of my comrades in science decided it would be a blast to organize a fun love-themed evening. Of course a normal romantic evening is intolerable to our modern fast ADHD youth, it was decided that a speed dating round was in order. When this news reached myself (late, as it always does) I could not help but feel excited at the prospect of meeting a dozen women to whom I would never have to speak again if I didn’t like them (not that I continue to speak to people I do not like anyway, but that is besides the point).
Truth be told, my original reason for appearing was watching the whole event crash and burn like the Hindenburg. Unfortunately for me, the organizational committee was less incompetent than I thought/hoped. Anyway, I shall not bore you with the dull details of the events leading to the speeddating itself (romantic comedy, drinks etc.).
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, ‘speeddating’ is when a man/woman couple sit down, talk for 3 to 5 minutes and move on to the next unwilling participant.
Now something has to be told about me; I don’t like small talk. I’m not particularly skilled nor unskilled at it, but I simply don’t like it. I don’t care how your day has been, I don’t care where you work and I most certainly don’t care how embarrassed you are and never thought you would ever be here. On the other hand, what I do like is humor. Make me smile and you’ve got my attention, make me laugh and I’m yours. Sadly few people seem to intelligent enough to come up with a joke, especially the female part of this night (for reasons I won’t discuss, but trust me on that one).
Originally I had some outrageously funny (to me) conversations planned out, but most were impossible for logical reasons (for example; one involved a blindfold, but it was mandatory that I would not see her before I spoke to her, which did not happen). So unfortunately I was forced to rely on my own wit and black humor for this one.
My memory for word-for-word conversations is rather poor , but I tried very hard to bring you these few pearls:
1
Setting; first talk of the evening, small yellow cards with pick-up lines and stuff to talk about were scattered around to jokingly start a conversation with. Incidentally, the girl I spoke to first had been the author of these voice-aiding cards.
Vicious: “Well let’s get started, shall we?” [Vicious reads the pick-up line with dramatic flair] “Wait a second, this doesn’t make any sense. Didn’t you write these?”
Girl: [giggling] “I don’t know”
Vicious: “I can see that, but you’re not getting off that easy. This line doesn’t make any sense for me. You, as the girl, should say it.”
Girl: [giggling] “hihi, I don’t know.”
She was not the brightest tool in the shed.
2
Setting; the mid-time break was just over. I scooped up a handful of ice from behind the bar and went up to the lass.
Vicious: “I have something for you, it’s from the bottom of my heart.”
[Vicious holds his hand in front of her enigmatically]
Girl.2: “What is it?”
[Vicious grabs her hand and holds it beneath his own]
Vicious: “For you!”
Girl.2: “What the hell?” [recovering from the shock] “You should have thrown it on the ground and said ‘that broke the ice’.”
Vicious: “I am beaten at my own game, but now it’s not mine anymore and I can’t use it”
3
Setting; right after the last one, they were beginning to bore me.
Vicious: “Before we go on, I have a very important question to ask you. If you could pick one group of people on Earth, and I’ll let you define group in any way you like, be it religion, nationality or skin colour, and exterminate that group from the face of the planet, which would it be?”
Girl.3: [after being startled but recovering from it and thinking about it for a while] “Poor African kids”
Vicious: “Well aren’t you the goddamn humanitarian! Why?”
Girl.3: “I’d like to give them a chance”
Vicious: “By killing them?”
Girl.3: “What?? I thought you said which group do you want to give another chance!” (*The words exterminate and ‘give another chance’ are quite similar in my language). “I’m not much of a killer, do mosquitoes count?”
Vicious: “No.”
Girl.3: “Then I don’t want to kill anyone, what about you?”
Vicious: “Asians.”
Girl.3: “Why?”
Vicious: “Well for starters there are a lot of them, overpopulation and all. Second, they piss me off, always looking at me with those eyes and…” [BELL RINGS] “Ah well, see ya”
On the small chance you are reading this girl.3, you have no sense of humor whatsoever.
4
Setting; This girl wore her nametag on her breast.
Vicious: “And you must be [name].”
Girl.4: “Is that always the first place where you look?”
Vicious: “Busted.” (*Get it? Busted! I’m hilarious!*)
5
Setting; girl next to her, wearing a nametag as well.
Vicious: “Then I’m guessing you’re [name].”
Girl.5: “Hey! You used that on [girl.4]!”
Vicious: “Damn right I did.”
Well as you can see I hardly had the most fun achievable on such a night. Especially when I learned afterwards that more than half of the girls already had boyfriends and were merely there as fillers.
Thus I left bitter and did not drink myself into a coma because I’m still on Lent.
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