If you are an autonomous, thinking human being (roughly 25% of the lot reading this) this question will have crossed your mind at least once; “What would I do with awesome superpowers?”. Fortunately for the rest of us you are stuck in your disgusting overweight body whose sole supernatural skill is known to your friends as the ‘hungry hamburger devourer’ which I will conveniently leave up to your imagination. Anyway, this article is not about Billy Bob and his victory over anorexia, it is about the subconscious information an individual reveals about himself when discussing his mundane superpower fantasies. In short: what your favorite superpower says about you.
Power: Telekinetics. Telekinetics covers a whole heap of different powers, but they all have the central theme in common; the ability to move stuff with your mind only.
What this says about you/Diagnosis: You are a power-hungry individual. This is incarnated in the very definition of the power; you like to ‘move’ (or should I say control) objects and people. Furthermore, you might be a skinny coward, who fantasizes about telekinetically beating up his bully/boss/archrival nemesis.
What to do about these people/Solution: Consistently remind them that telekinetic abilities are a bunch of crap. Furthermore, remind them that even if it were true and they would somehow conquer the world and claim themselves emperor of mankind with their awesome abilities simply remind him/her that they would still perish from poison or a cut throat during their sleep.
What to do if said person turns out to really posses said superpower/Plan B: Run, can’t beat this. As said before, kill him in his sleep.
Power: Superstrength/Superagility. The two supers here cover anything that a human would be unable to do directly with his physical body (no technical aid). Strength ranges from lifting cars to throwing goddamn buildings and agility covers superspeed (DODGING BULLETS OH MY GOD) and anything that you see people do in the circus, but really really fast while probably shooting lasers or something.
Diagnosis: This is a tricky one, because it is very important that the diagnosis only applies to thinks that are actually superhuman. Someone daydreaming about being able to do a backflip is not special, however obsessing about being able to do a triple backflip while simultaneously killing 13 bad guys with only 11 bullets will land you in the weird zone. Regardless; both superstrength and –agility have the same verdict: these people did not play sports as a child. As a result, they were always the last to be picked at P.E. and also never attempted to improve their physique. These people loath athletes with a passion.
Solution: While in the dreamer’s presence, boast (both fictional and real, if you have any) about all those trophies you won playing absolutely awesome sports. Furthermore it is absolutely vital that you redirect any and all conversation you have to sports (even if you don’t like it yourself) as soon as possible. Note; this is not an actual solution; merely a way to have fun.
Plan B: So now you pissed someone off who is stronger, faster and more agile then you. What do you do? Shoot the fucker. That should take care of things unless he also took…
Power: Invulnerability/Invincibility/Instant Healing. I do hope I need not explain these simple terms.
Diagnosis: Sara broke her arm and leg when she was in high school while cheerleading, she quickly fell down the social ladder and ended up hanging around with the potheads and other social degenerates (yes, potheads are degenerates). Her life became a downwards spiral cumulating in a pregnancy, being kicked out of the house for stealing daddy’s savings money to waste on crack and moving in with her abusive boyfriend who thinks he is the father.
Solution: The sad part is that I just described roughly 10.000 people’s lives. Anyway, stab the bitch in some non-vital organ (you do want to gloat don’t you?) to quickly end the delusion.
Plan B: Invulnerability does not mean undefeatable. Beat him/her up, bind them and give them a seaman’s grave for all eternity.
Power: Invisiblity. The ability to remain unseen to others.
Diagnosis: Pervert. Most likely a virgin.
Solution: Remind them that in the natural world; an invisible object/person will also have to be blind. That should put an end to the fantasies.
Plan B: This is great, invisibility does not imply invincibility. Put on your infrared goggles and happy hunting.
Power: Self-propelled Flight. For normal intends and purposes ‘flight’ should be sufficient. But I don’t want idiots mailing me that flying with Egypt Air technically qualifies as ‘flight’.
Diagnosis:
Solution: Remind this eager traveler that flying would probably suck considering the absolutely freezing temperatures of the air above building level. Also, it is merely a matter of time before you get shot down by something, it’s in the human nature.
Plan B: Who cares about flying? Good for them. Irony bonuses if you throw them out of an airlock in space or something.
Power: Magic. ITS MAGIC I TELL YOU, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGIC!
Diagnosis: Fuckin’ pagans in my back yard again.
Solution: strangely, instead of ridiculing them, ignoring seems to work* better.
Plan B: Burn them at the stake.
*Will not actually solve the problem, but it is the lesser evil.
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