I have never had any real problems with spam, we had a clear-cut agreement; I do not bother spam and in return spam will not bother me. Alas spam has decided to break this most sacred unspoken vow by harassing me once more with an unbroken wave of spam. Thus, today, a day in the life of vicious@viciousandevil.net.
My first message comes by the cryptic title of “$269.90 Suite 3 Design”. My fruitless effort to find out what great bargain I just stumbled upon to resulted in more cryptic gibberish. This, to be exact:
III. Chronology of Northern ExplorationI might have happily lived some other childhood.Hoarfrost is in his bones and on his head,By trees–or might see as the masonryNever does any motion, sound, or lighttrainer flips young alligators over on their backs,In a single floral stroke,Scrawny wolves, and you,Green lilac buds appear that won’t surviveUpon from the right by far trees, that white placeOf a far barn, just where the road curves sharplyThinking of your abiding spirit bringsOnly a fox whose den I cannot find.Writhing their stunted limbs,Are gliding toward me on the ice intoSo, startled, quivering,Against which we have been projected? What . . .A salamander scuttles across the quietReferences
I consider two possibilities; utter madness or some form of poorly translated demon summoning ritual.
The second mail, titled “$129.95 Autodesk AutoCAD 2008” contains equally weird gibberish/a bad poem.
The third mail (sender: Normand Salas, even though the sender address reads “tony@…”) jumps back into the realm of sanity and informs me that my apparent request for a loan has been accepted! Naturally I’m happier than a fat kid in a chocolate factory and will start cashing in my $272,000 first thing tomorrow! First things first however, I must still go by the approval process, which
will take only 1 minute. Please visit the confirmation link below and fill-out our short 30 second form.
Aha, truth unmasks itself, filling this form apparently drains 30 seconds from your timeline and I happen to be very fond of my timeline thank you very much. So Tony the time-vampire can go fuck himself.
My fourth misfit was send courtesy of Andres Montano and promises a mysterious product called WonderCum. Strangely the product is not former defined, although it is apparently better than Viagra. Fortunately for me they have a fully functional members forum. Get it? Fully functional member! God, I’m a genius.
Fifth is more crazy Autodesk senseless ranting.
Same for #6, #7 and #8.
Number nine promises ‘very discreet and private’ penis enlargement by taking pills from a company called MegaDik. This is where Vicious’ second law of self-interested shopping interferes: if I cannot trust a company to chose a sensible name, I won’t trust it with any part of my body, especially not my mega dik.
More scary poems at the decimal marker (#10).
The second-last unwanted message in a bottle is an official-looking mail which I am supposed to believe is send by the United States National Medical Association. Ignoring the fact that I don’t actually live in the US nor ever have, it seems they could have at least procured an official looking sender address to go with it; go4****.net (blocked out the actual address, no food for those fuckers) won’t get me hooked.
My final mail contains a straightforward, one-sentence viagra add. Nothing flashy.
Analysing these results; we come to:
- 7 scary spooky gibberish-laden mails.
- 3 mails concerning my penis.
- 1 loan scam.
- 1 faked mail by the ‘US NMA’ for not apparent reason.
Even though I did not in any way sign up for this crap, I appear to be haunted by exceptionally bad poetry. Make of that what you will.
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