Some monarchies still exist around the world. Officially most of them have no actual power. Such a monarchy is called a constitutional monarchy because the monarch (reigning king or queen) has to abide to the laws of the constitution. Examples include the Netherlands, Great Britain, Spain, Sweden and Belgium. One in particular comes to mind when the word ‘queen’ is mentioned; the Netherlands. Holland hold the dubious honour of having a retarded holiday to celebrate their worthless head of state.

First let it be said that I do not like constitutional monarchies. In my expert opinion, monarchies should either be absolute (long live the king, his will is my command) or non-existent. Any path in between is, essentially, for pussies with angry-father issues that can not live with the idea of not having a hereditary leader. The idea that over 90% of the Dutch population want to keep their queen completely baffles me.

Speaking of the Dutch (who will be the main focus of this article, as they are closest to home), yesterday (30th of April) I had the severe displeasure of witnessing one of the Dutch national holidays: Koninginnedag (Queen’s Day). Quite honestly, the ‘celebration’ of this event is exactly as you would picture a medieval celebration in honour of a king.

First of all, the queen picks two or three cities to visit. Local public officials (dukes and counts) proceed to go raging insane and spent over HALF A MILLION EUROS PER CITY trying to impress their queen with their personal illusions of grandeur. Then when the queen and the rest of the retarded royal family comes for a 60-minute visit, they stumble awkwardly through the crowds (the peasants), waving at the hordes of mindless zombies (uneducated lot) that would probably rip their hearts out if the queen were to ask. Anyway, the royal family awkwardly wades through the crowds in a pre-set path with numerous stops at mindnumbing games, including, but no limited to sack racing and attempting to bite a flying piece of cake. Occasionally the games are interrupted by local idiots (town jesters) showing of their superior basketball/judo/cannibalism skills to the royalties. I’m completely sure that every single one hopes they receive a medal from the crown prince himself or something equally meaningless.

If this were not enough, recent years have witnessed the introduction of the Queen’s Night, the night proceeding Queen’s Day. Which let me to the final conclusion that people will take any excuse they can get their corrupted hands on to drink themselves into a coma. Even worse is the original reason for the creation of Queen’s Night. It was, get this, devised to do something about the riots that kept forming the night before Queen’s Day. That’s right, the only way to prevent a riot is to make something a holiday! What half-baked politician made this up I don’t know. But any self-respecting leader knows that the only correct way to deal with a riot is a completely disproportionate amount of police violence. That will shut the fuckers up.

Any other shallow monarch-related holidays were you come from? Drop us a line!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 1st, 2007 at 12:12 pm and is filed under Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.