After reading this piece of literary art again, I suddenly realised what kind of degenerate misfits surround us each day. So today I will write a small piece on one of my old classmates during highschool (or whatever the American equivalent is; we were around 12 at that time). Of all people I know or have personally known, he is the definite king of the creepy/crazy sector.
Enter Bert. Allow me to creative a mental image for you; all of us were 12 years old, Bert must have weighed atleast 2 metric tons. He wasn’t necessarily fat, just very bulky. Furthermore, his face was shaped like a goose’s. I’m not really sure why I choose that particular animal, but it seems fitting somehow.
Now that we have set the visuals, it is time for the mental aspect. Bert was a fucking moron. I recall several instances in which he just lay his fat disgusting body in the sun to dry during class while literally drooling on his notebook. At other times he would roll up one of the excersise sheets and try to smoke that shit. Another fun thing was that he believed in vampires. Now this is absurd on his own, but that didn’t stop him from doing presentations about it, making himself the laughing stock of the class/school/humanity.
As poetic Irony (capitalised for worship) would have it, he hooked up with the most retarded girl in the class. And with retarded I do not mean stupid (she was stupid though) but really physically handicapped. Naturally she was unattractive as hell and I would have the displeasure of sharing another year with her in the same class, but that is a story for another time.
All of the above is of course meaningless. Bert and myself were only twelve years old and many things change after that. For me, the changes were for the better. For him, he got scarier. I had the honor of meeting him a few years later and guess what? Still fat, still ugly. Also, turns out he is gay (surprise!) and heavily into the goth scene.
In conclusion; Bert, if you read this and recognise yourself because I only slightly changed your name, please hang yourself from our town’s main bridge.
Do you know a Bert? Drop us a line!
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