In three million years we have come a long way. Although technically still the same species that roamed the plains of old and slaughtered the mammoth we have become so much more it’s almost scary. For example; instead of hunting, we breed and genetically modify numerous species to shadows of their former selves in order to comply with the gargantuan food requirements caused by all the fat people. Instead of carefully constructing camp fires, we burn up everything we dig up and proceed to gas the entire planet. Instead of killing one another with sticks and stones we have developed weapons able to reduce the whole goddamn planet to nuclear wasteland. We are without a doubt the greatest species ever to walk upon the Earth.

Because we are so bloody intelligent, we have invented an immense amount of cool stuff. We created this awesome global network that allows billions of people to exchange ideas, business proposals, marriage proposals and child pornography. We made from scratch televisions and radio’s (I doubt 10% of you can explain me how a television works). But perhaps greatest of all; we have imagined hundreds of thousands of fictional universes and worlds, heroes and kings, religions and philosophies. We are brilliant.

Yet still there is a void. Some things still seem missing. Fortunately, I have thought about this and let my creative mind wonder what it is that humanity lacks. So without further ado, I present to you the inventions that would significantly improve (my sadistic) life.

• The Poison Ring. The coward’s blade. This little gizmo can be worn as any ordinary ring, but naturally, there is a catch. The part of the ring that points towards the palm of the hand will be coated with tiny needles. When sufficient force is exerted on the ring, such as in a handshake, the ring will respond by injecting the alien hand with a slow yet powerful poison that will kill the unlucky bastard after about an hour. This ring actually gives you a reason to befriend your foes!

• The Terminator Monocle Thingy (TMT). The ultimate tool for attracting the opposite sex and being the life of the party. The TMT is in essence a monocle, but with a twist! Using high-tech optic stuff, the TMT will be able to photograph anything you want it to, without even lifting your fat arms! Alternatively, an in-build laser will keep you entertained for hours as you continually blind the batter during a particular boring baseball game.

• The Dream Recorder. I assume no explanation is necessary as to its function. Lets just say that there are some, special
  dreams that I wouldn’t mind experiencing again. Also, think of the millions of dollars you would make by stealing and selling someone’s embarrassing dreams.

These three things should keep me happy for a few months. In fact, I’m willing to pay 1 gazillion dollars for all three combined.

Have a nice invention/wish of your own? Drop us a line!

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 25th, 2007 at 4:33 pm and is filed under What the F?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.